Unspoken Words
by dreaminginglitter
Summary: Finally gathering the strength he needed, Nicky goes to visit Jack's tree and has some things to say to his big brother. Takes place after 04x09.


It was a chilly December day as Nicky Pearson sat inside his nephew's car, looking out the window. He was with Kevin and they had reached their destination: the tree where his brother's ashes were scattered. Feeling a bit nervous now that he was actually here, Nicky made no motion to get out of the car. He suddenly heard Kevin speak.

"You ready, Uncle Nicky? You can take all the time you need," Kevin said, looking over at his uncle. "I know it can be pretty overwhelming. I felt that way too when I was here last year for the first time since the funeral. Either way, I'll be right here waiting for you." Nicky felt Kevin's hand on his shoulder and smiled a little at the gesture. Kevin had so much of Jack in him that Nicky could barely believe it sometimes.

"As ready as I'll ever be," Nicky replied, still feeling nervous. Taking a deep breath, he stepped outside the car, gently closing the door behind him. Continuing to breathe, he began to walk towards the tree as memories of Jack began to flood his mind.

When they were kids, it sometimes felt like it were just him and Jack against the world. They'd frequently play outside and daydream about what their lives could be like. Jack had always felt big and strong, something Nicky felt like he needed when he felt small and scared.

Small and scared was something Nicky felt right now as he reached the tree, electing to sit down near it. He no longer felt like an old man, he simply was the small kid who needed his brother. Because he hadn't been aware that Jack had died until his niece and nephews found him a year ago, though, he hadn't really had the time to grieve Jack's death.

"Hey, Jack," Nicky said aloud. "I've got some stuff to say to you, though I admit that I feel kind of ridiculous right now for talking to a tree. I hope you can somehow hear me anyways." He had thought about the things he needed to tell his brother for years now, over and over. Now that he was actually here, the words became harder to say.

"I'm sorry for all the stuff that happened in Vietnam," He began, emotions rising up in his chest. "What happened with that kid...it was an accident, I never meant to hurt anyone. I know it must have seemed like I did it on purpose because I was so messed up with the drugs. Every time I close my eyes, I hear the explosion and the mother's screams...I tried to get him off the boat, Jack, I really did," Saying this made Nicky relieve all of the painful emotions he had pushed down inside for forty years, even though he was in therapy these days.

"For a long time, after you came to see me that day in '92, I thought you hated me for what I did, and maybe that was why you didn't want to talk about what happened. I realize now though that it was hard for you to talk about, too. When we were kids, I always called you "Superman" because you were so brave and strong to me, and I was just this weak little kid..." He gasped, tears coming down his face hard now. Letting out his emotions wasn't exactly his strong suit. "I felt like that even after the war because I was so messed up. Looking back on it, I see now that you were probably just as scared as I was, and that's one of the reasons you pushed me away."

"I wish you hadn't. I wish you had given me a chance, Jack. I needed you and I still do now." Saying those words felt cathartic, especially considering Nicky used to drink his emotions away instead of feeling them. "But even so, I understand why you did it. Your family is wonderful. I see so much of you in all of your kids, especially Kevin. He's the one that helped me get where I am right now, clean and sober," He said, glancing towards Kevin's car.

"In fact, it's because of Kevin that I'm here right now. I haven't really talked about this very much, but after your kids came to see me last year and I had found out you died, I...well, Kevin came back and found me with a bottle of alcohol and a gun on the table. Because to be honest, I felt my life had no meaning and that it was easier to hide myself away because of how broken I felt. After everything we went through with Dad and the war, I convinced myself that I didn't matter." Admitting this was difficult, and Nicky continued to cry.

"Your family have all welcomed me with open arms, too. I was honestly kind of surprised they would do that, that they would see me as worth something. But then again, at the same time I'm not all that surprised, considering that's what you would do. Helping others was what you were best at."

"You'd be so proud of all of your kids. They invited me to Thanksgiving last week, and I got to hear a whole bunch of stories about you...like you explaining to Randall the meaning of the song which was something I told you. Oh, and I also got to hear the Pilgram Rick story, and they even let me wear the hat. I got to show them traditions of ours, too, like the shrimp." When they talked about Jack like that, it kind of felt like he was still with them.

"I wish you were still here, Jack. I hope I can get to know the family more, since they miss you at much as I do," He said sincerely, looking at the ground. A gust of wind went by as he said this, and he hugged himself for warmth. He suddenly realized snowflakes were falling from the sky, and he smiled again.

"I don't know if that's your way of giving me a sign, brother...but I love you, and you'll always be my Superman. It took me a good forty years, but I'm stronger now because of you" Tears welling up in his eyes, Nicky slowly got up and walked back towards Kevin's car.

Once back inside the car, Nicky looked at his nephew and realized he was smiling at him. "You okay, Uncle Nicky?" Kevin asked, putting a hand on his uncle's shoulder again.

"I will be," he replied, looking at Kevin. "You really are Jack's son. I don't know if I've ever told you this, but...thank you. It's because of you that I'm here right now, clean and sober. A year ago, I never thought I'd ever be in a mental place like this. I thought my life had no meaning and that I'd be alone until I died one day," Nicky admitted, watching Kevin's expression change to one of love and concern.

"Well, my dad may have made some mistakes, but he thought me that people can change for the better and that even if you have darkness inside, you can still be a good person. You are a good person, Uncle Nicky. I'm glad to have found you."

"And I'm glad to have gotten to know you," Nicky said sincerely, smiling. "Now, let's stop all this mushy stuff and go get a burger or something, shall we? All those feelings have gotten me hungry!"

Kevin laughed in response, and Nicky swore he heard Jack laughing, too. Though he would always miss his brother, at least Nicky finally had the chance to let Jack listen to him. With the support of his family, Nicky felt some light replacing that darkness he had felt for far too long, and it felt good.


End file.
